The journey down the yellow brick road hasn’t been an easy one, it seems the closer I get to Emerald City, life’s little troubles keep chasing after me like the flying monkeys in the Wizard of OZ. Allow me to explain the “Wizard of Oz” analogy. The other night we took the family to go see a play at a community theater near by. It’s a classic, and in this American classic I saw my BRCA journey.
The scarecrow, the tin man, and the lion longing for a brain, a heart, and a dose of courage.
if I only had a brain....
As my surgery date draws near (it’s tomorrow), I can say that I am afraid and it didn’t help one bit when the flying monkey carrying a kidney stone got a hold of me 5 days ago sending me to the ER. Evil monkey.
Oh the pain, and let’s not forget the fear. Like the scarecrow I found myself stumbling around. I began to question my decision. Why am I having surgery when I am totally healthy???
But quickly I remembered that my decision was not based on emotion, was not rash in anyway, was not made without much advice, research, and prayer. AH, I do have a brain.
I need some oil cause I'm a bit stuck.
I was once told never to ask my God “why?”. Don’t do the “why me”, but I found myself asking Him just that. Why would you create me with this gene? Maybe I am supposed to go through cancer. Maybe I am supposed to die at a younger age like my mom and aunt. I begged my Lord to understand his will and in my moments with Him, I began to be comforted. Told that even in my lowest moments he is there. I gave him permission to lead me in another direction if that was his will. I relinquished my will to His and found my heart again.
He is my heart.
The trembling lion.
I am. I am afraid of pain. I’m afraid of suffering. I’m afraid of being uncomfortable, of complications, of not recovering as fast as I hope to. I am afraid.
My stomach is twisted in knots but I’m packing my hospital bag. I’m preparing my home. I’m taking deep breaths and moving forward because I haven’t been told to stop. So I ask, what is courage? Google tells me that “it is the ability to do something that frightens one”. So maybe I do have courage…..?
At the end of the Wizard of Oz, the scarecrow, tin man, and lion are told that they have always possessed that which they have longed for, what they had been lacking was HOPE, FAITH, and LOVE.
Tomorrow is the big day! My journey down the yellow brick road will lead me to Emerald City. I’ll put on my green hospital gown and my ruby red slippers and when all is said and done, I’ll have a different story to tell in my quest to fight the BRCA gene. I’ can’t wait to click my heals together and say, “there’s no place like home.”
See you on the other side…..